Friday, March 25, 2011

On A More Personal Note...

.....I am going to take a moment today to talk about something personal. I haven't said a whole lot on here about myself, so here is a little background. I had my first boyfriend at the age of 11. Of course, back then I didn't know what it was about. The most we did was write notes back and forth and hang out. But he was older than me and getting interested in sex and I didn't want to. So he slept with someone else and we broke up shortly after. I was young and naive, and didn't really know what heartache was about, but I thought it was the end of the world. Every relationship that I have had since then has ended the same way, except, of course, the one I am in now. To avoid all the boring details I will just get to the point. The past relationships that I have had have left me battle scarred. I carried baggage from every one into the next one. I started to think there was something wrong with me. I see today that I just had a bad choice in men, but it gave me a complex. I started becoming worried that every guy I cared about would do the same thing. I was right, but in hind sight I think I played some part in driving them to cheat with my constant accusations and questions. Not all of them, though. Some of them just did it because they wanted to and thought I wouldn't find out.
     Now I am in a relationship with a good-hearted man who loves me and treats me good. We have a good relationship and I am comfortable in my life with him. But alas, old habits die hard. The same insecurities that lurked under every other relationship that I had that forced it apart, I brought into this one. Not on purpose, but it has been there for so long it has become a part of me. A part that I do not like and that I want to change. This is a task that is easier said than done. It requires completely abandoning all fear of being alone, which by the way, is my biggest fear. It requires complete abandonment of all feelings of mistrust and suspicion. It requires letting go of the hurt and pain and emotional turmoil that I have allowed to dictate who I am. It is very hard for me, but it has to be done or it will mean the end of this relationship as well. The problem is that I don't know how. I have been jumping to conclusions and making accusations for a long time and I have been trying to train myself to argue them down when they pop into my head. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. It makes me feel crazy, but it is necessary to keep the worries that are created in my own mind at bay. The problem that is the times that it doesn't work and I think myself into a panic, and then I take it out on him. Me being like this has put restraints on him too. He feels like he has to hide things from me even when it isn't something bad, so that I don't overreact and start flipping out on him. He has the patience of a saint, but it is hard for him to deal with me and my crazy emotions. We have had many talks concerning this, but ultimately, it is my problem, not his. So the solution must somehow lie within me. If I cannot fix it, I am afraid it will eventually lead to the destruction of this relationship as well. Even though I am getting better, I think that it is not fast enough. I have done so much damage already, and his patience is wearing thin. I know the dangers, and I can see the warning signs...

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